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no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
oh god the rape fog is back!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
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