if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
