bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We had to coat check the pizza.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.