Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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