You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.