and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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