your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She tied me up with her honor cords...
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right