he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
this is an emotional support booty call
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
