Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize