You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section