My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.