while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You drinking a lot?
Define a lot
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dating After Heartbreak
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think I won the penis lottery.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.