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I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
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