you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
