dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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