it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She bit a glass in half.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me