my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
