Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...