Texts From Last Night · Draknar's Favorites

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Draknar's Favorites Texts:

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(310): View more from California

Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(214): View more from Texas

they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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(512): View more from Texas

Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.

(512): View more from Texas

Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(631): View more from New York

Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?

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(909): View more from California

I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

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(850): View more from Florida

It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking

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(301): View more from Maryland

you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

he should get drunk with us

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(248): View more from Michigan

did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(813): View more from Florida

Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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(707): View more from California

I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who pooed in my magic bullet?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

Sorry the bathroom was being used.

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(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I think i sorta joined a cult last night

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(281): View more from Texas

ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

(214): View more from Texas

Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Did you fuck her?

(212): View more from New York

If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.

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(301): View more from Maryland

people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Taylor Swift is so right about you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(571): View more from Virginia

You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Darwin at his finest.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(301): View more from Maryland

I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush

(703): View more from Virginia

Ew, did you brush them again?

(301): View more from Maryland

Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(925): View more from California

This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.

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(310): View more from California

I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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(703): View more from Virginia

someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(609): View more from New Jersey

there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Barney's a jerk

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(805): View more from California

you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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