I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
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I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I love having hate sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"