i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.