When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
im six kinds of drunk right now
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to