Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just googled if crying burns calories
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday