my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This beer is not sobering me up at all
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Already got asked if we're dating
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.