my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
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I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
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Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.