I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
What drink are we having for lunch?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
