I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.