I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick