My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
