Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
What should our trivia night team be named?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
this will be a night to untag.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I think about you every night.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"