I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.