I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
one two three fourrrrnication!
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...