Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys