My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
