Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
