Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Houston, we have a blender
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
ttyl tear gas
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Wat do u mean how?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time