Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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