Texts From Last Night · Gregoreo627's Favorites

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Gregoreo627's Favorites Texts:

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.

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(972): View more from Texas

Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?

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(512): View more from Texas

Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"

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(425): View more from Washington

I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense

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(541): View more from Oregon

Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

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(801): View more from Utah

You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head

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(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(330): View more from Ohio

i've created a new STD.

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom

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(425): View more from Washington

I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class

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(208): View more from Idaho

Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.

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(425): View more from Washington

I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you

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(714): View more from California

I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating

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(650): View more from California

I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.

(501): View more from Arkansas

Just skip

(479): View more from Arkansas

Please. i have SOME standards

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(765): View more from Indiana

Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.

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(310): View more from California

Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.

(561): View more from Florida

Your mother would be so proud

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(817): View more from Texas

Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"

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(209): View more from California

My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.

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(716): View more from New York

banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"

(501): View more from Arkansas

I'll start the recruiting

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me

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(817): View more from Texas

If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

(1-817): View more from Texas

It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.

(574): View more from Indiana

Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You are my mentor.

(276): View more from Virginia

I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.

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(407): View more from Florida

Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(614): View more from Ohio

You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms

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(307): View more from Wyoming

who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some

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(850): View more from Florida

This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion

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(785): View more from Kansas

Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

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(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

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(707): View more from California

After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs

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(602): View more from Arizona

All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.

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(948): View more from

He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.

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(845): View more from New York

You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

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(847): View more from Illinois

Did you fuck him in my garden last night?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

(864): View more from South Carolina

Olive Garden will never be the same.

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(417): View more from Missouri

nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.

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(516): View more from New York

When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him

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(518): View more from New York

Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.

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(607): View more from New York

To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.

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(303): View more from Colorado

And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

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(540): View more from Virginia

margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..

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(845): View more from New York

Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins

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(208): View more from Idaho

Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.

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(440): View more from Ohio

At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."

(216): View more from Ohio

Valid question

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

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(303): View more from Colorado

Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?

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(806): View more from Texas

He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.

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(212): View more from New York

She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

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(516): View more from New York

We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom

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(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.

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(305): View more from Florida

Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"

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(585): View more from New York

javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.

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(509): View more from Washington

I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!

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(512): View more from Texas

We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.

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(956): View more from Texas

I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.

(712): View more from Iowa

Welcome to college.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

That is a hangover

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I would prefer a headache

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(703): View more from Virginia

I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes

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(361): View more from Texas

Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV

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(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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(530): View more from California

My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.

(916): View more from California

That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Can I color on your dick again?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist

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(320): View more from Minnesota

So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.

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(907): View more from Alaska

his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

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(317): View more from Indiana

Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.

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(760): View more from California

Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.

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(801): View more from Utah

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

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