Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.