hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so explain again why im purple
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.