he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
