He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'