This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
two words...techno handjob
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?