After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hippo gnu deer
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
