I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so explain again why im purple
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them