I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She's the barista slut.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i think i have herpe
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.