Texts From Last Night · maddie9797's Favorites

maddie9797's Favorites Texts:

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(416): View more from Toronto

Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.

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(510): View more from California

I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(903): View more from Texas

Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(301): View more from Maryland

Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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(916): View more from California

Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(520): View more from Arizona

I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.

(520): View more from Arizona

Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?

(1-302): View more from Delaware

That's okay, it's all protein anyway.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?

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(917): View more from New York City

I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball

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(650): View more from California

He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy

(1-313): View more from Michigan

You shut your mouth

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(614): View more from Ohio

That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions

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(973): View more from New Jersey

New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Why are we friends again?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(940): View more from Texas

Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.

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(424): View more from California

you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.

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(631): View more from New York

Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(631): View more from New York

I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.

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(301): View more from Maryland

But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn

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(815): View more from Illinois

If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.

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(515): View more from Iowa

im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

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(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(+61): View more from Australia

remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

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(863): View more from Florida

sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.

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(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.

(812): View more from Indiana

Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.

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(646): View more from New York

He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.

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(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

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(585): View more from New York

Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up

(1-585): View more from New York

Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

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(620): View more from Kansas

He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right

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(540): View more from Virginia

Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.

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(650): View more from California

we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?

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(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

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(440): View more from Ohio

dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer

(678): View more from Georgia

you spelled her name wrong

(404): View more from Georgia

not you too!!

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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