There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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