Texts From Last Night · jennie82497's Favorites

jennie82497's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(516): View more from New York

Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

Fav 10 2879 1297
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.

Fav 16 3481 1303
share tweet

(859): View more from Kentucky

you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.

Fav 5 2826 1178
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

Fav 17 4704 1455
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(810): View more from Michigan

omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?

Fav 17 3410 1023
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'

Fav 4 2447 1012
share tweet

(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

Fav 12 1904 2919
share tweet

(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

Fav 19 6242 1281
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

Fav 24 8663 1450
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(507): View more from Minnesota

We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.

Fav 20 3729 1181
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.

Fav 13 4223 1041
share tweet

(+27): View more from South Africa

I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

Fav 98 1213 4224
share tweet

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

Fav 19 16125 2491
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

Fav 21 1599 5948
share tweet

(804): View more from Virginia

If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..

Fav 3 1271 3868
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

Fav 12 3137 1915
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

Fav 23 8637 1944
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8268 1526
share tweet
(310): View more from California

for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.

Fav 18 4377 1361
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.

Fav 2 1761 1628
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

Fav 6 2874 1627
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

Fav 4 4453 1268
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

Fav 15 2807 1421
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.

Fav 6 2986 985
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon

Fav 4 1962 1162
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

Fav 24 5712 2741
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.

Fav 66 1577 7724
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not

Fav 11 3271 1308
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.

Fav 12 814 3119
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

Fav 11 4652 1775
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

Fav 20 4247 4885
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?

Fav 12 4735 1041
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch

(1-631): View more from New York

that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

Fav 28 1494 6418
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

Fav 25 12342 1120
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.

Fav 11 5503 826
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

Fav 36 5391 939
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??

Fav 80 4640 1061
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

Fav 7 2145 899
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

Fav 10 5653 1572
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13876 1721
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

Fav 69 2666 5467
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

Fav 33 1274 8261
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

Fav 86 13885 2166
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life

Fav 4 951 3102
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...

Fav 8 2243 1165
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

Fav 17 7436 1413
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

Fav 51 31564 1781
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks

Fav 29 1186 5225
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober

Fav 29 3737 976
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

Fav 23 6191 1061
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

details please.

(317): View more from Indiana

they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

Fav 61 5664 873
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

Fav 26 4182 2188
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

i can't believe i had my finger in that

Fav 15 880 4160
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just mADE A PArabola og urine

Fav 9 1951 838
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

Fav 5 5358 1345
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

Fav 14 4773 1656
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.

Fav 14 3973 1471
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You can't special order awesome

Fav 14 3233 963
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

Fav 18 6949 1400
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

Fav 16 7725 1237
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex

Fav 27 1374 4110
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..

Fav 36 1110 11039
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

Fav 55 4546 1210
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."

Fav 15 2791 993
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

Fav 11 13929 1742
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

Fav 8 5429 1469
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.

Fav 30 2358 5227
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much

Fav 30 1976 5490
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

where are you

(303): View more from Colorado

in your bedroom

(602): View more from Arizona

how did you get in

(303): View more from Colorado

your wife…

(602): View more from Arizona

WTF

Fav 6 1571 2608
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

Fav 15 5613 1415
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

Fav 9 2058 2994
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?

Fav 35 2376 5673
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

Fav 36 1618 7827
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

Fav 13 5147 2515
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

Fav 3 4131 1069
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

Fav 54 11922 1660
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

it was a mass text i'm sorry

(603): View more from New Hampshire

do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?

Fav 18 4209 1442
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9938 2303
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

Fav 18 6044 895
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8629 2804
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

Fav 23 6065 1438
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.

Fav 26 6561 970
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.

Fav 31 6139 2415
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

Fav 29 7161 1690
share tweet
(760): View more from California

My pussy is not your playground.

Fav 63 1720 5735
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!

(253): View more from Washington

Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

Fav 68 1554 3573
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

Fav 6 4290 996
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

Fav 30 7869 1626
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

Fav 14 3558 1363
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8561 49737
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.

Fav 17 1622 3201
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

Fav 5 1761 3463
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

Fav 11 5020 1486
share tweet
(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

Fav 12 5802 1350
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.

Fav 4 3581 1313
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

Fav 28 2982 7434
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?

Fav 10 952 4361
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5654 1472
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

Fav 3 3076 1159
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

Fav 79 16393 3380
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

Fav 4 1224 4430
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

Fav 48 4502 1759
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

Fav 10 4200 1306
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

Fav 13 5835 1688
share tweet
(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

Fav 11 7603 1272
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor

Fav 4 2603 1464
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

Fav 5 1863 6257
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.

Fav 18 4555 1311
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

Fav 6 4575 1514
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

Fav 3 3967 1132
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

Fav 15 3392 6132
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

Fav 7 3925 1171
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

Fav 16 1889 3628
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

Fav 17 1390 6418
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

Fav 10 4241 1546
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..

Fav 10 1701 3906
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

Fav 13 5516 1760
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

Fav 17 6056 1897
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

Fav 28 6865 2109
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

Fav 21 9777 1537
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

Fav 10 11656 1465
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

Fav 36 7863 1246
share tweet
(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

Fav 27 4562 1402
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

Fav 26 6435 1130
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

Fav 89 1764 20091
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

Fav 13 6571 1327
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

Fav 24 6661 1380
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

(303): View more from Colorado

lol who won

(727): View more from Florida

well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

Fav 15 1887 1246
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

Fav 20 6710 1846
share tweet