i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
bring money and cleavage
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10