my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
