He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My cat gives me a boner
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
You're my little dorito
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
This is evicking siegelnvs
This is fucking ridiculous*
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.