Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>